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cesre_lawrence's journal
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Wow it has been such a long time. I'm still with Steve. See on that the trouble with relationships is they start out easy, for those who don't know we were broke up for a week. I was so caught up in some of my own pain that I couldn't even see his. When it first happened I of course told myself (and a few friends) that I deserved better and saw all his fault in the problem and non of my own! I know I suck So anyway, after that week I realized my mistake. I hurt him too and it was unfair for me to make him into some villain. So we talked (via e-mail)which, with how I get when I'm emotional ,is a good thing and I went over and the moment I saw him I just knew. There is just something so special about him. No mater what our differences are he's so good to me and makes me so happy (and I hope I do the same as well) I can see the future when he looks at me. He's the first person I have ever thought about living with in the not too far off future. Intimatly speaking we are very compatible. There was a small area of concern that had both of us in knots, but it's good now... No corect that it's great. Spiritually we connect to. I always thought I was the only person who collected healing stones, man his collection surpasses mine by far. Last week was rough, the location of the shop he works at closed and he wasn't sure if he would be going to the other or not. I tried to be there for him as best I could without being smothering. Now our scheduals are really screwy. I have had interviews for Assistant Manager positions since my last post. Haven't heard back on the most recent, I sould probably call soon, I'm trying to be patient because I know HR is backed up. I should be driving in the next week or so (keep you fingers crossed). this is thanks to the IRS and Steve. So if i don't get a managent job yet I'll probably start looking for a second job so I can clean up some of my debt. The furute is looking really bright and I can wait to see Steve again (maybe tonight) :: +Memory :: Share :: 4 pokes :: Poke Me
Things are going great with me and my guy, it’ll be 2mos on 4/20 (ha ha). He’s super sweet, we have a lot in common and he makes me happy. And in spite of some haters we’re falling in love .. . It’s so fast but it has been so easy and good. I’ve never felt so myself with anyone. Now if only certain psyco ppl .. would leave well enough alone that would be great. We have plans to do some cool stuff this summer, like camping and amusment parks. I’m so excited for the future. Friday I’m haveing a passions party at my house @ 7pm. It’s co-ed and feel free to bring guests 9the person who brings the most will get a prize) Work is going pretty well, except for a certain crazy asshole who dose nothing .. at all and needs to get the sack! There are five new houses opening this year and I should be driving a car really soon, so an ARM possition will hopefully not be too far off. Just put up some new pics and will have bunches more soon. Sending my love C
2/29/08
1/23/2008 Wow, so as my last entry said another 2lbs down, this feels great. I can put on my jeans freshly washed and not have the fight with them (thought that does mean after about 2hrs they’re baggie as all hell. I’m more than 10lbs light than when I first started and that is exciting! I do need to step up my exercise and make sure I’m eating enough. My body has been fighting off a cold for a couple of days, but other than being stuffy, very tired and taking a couple of naps Sunday and Monday, I haven’t seen much in the way of my cold. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I have an issue with recurring fungal skin infections (between my breasts, under my arms, just below my bellybutton and the small of my back) and have had them for several years now. One thing I learned when I read the Diet Cure was that many people have issues with too much yeast in their systems and this can cause recurring infection. The remedy is to avoid yeast bearing products and taking Oregano Oil. I am happy to report that the old, dry skin is sloughing off and there is little to no new redness underneath. In addition to that I took a DIY systemic yeast test and it read normal. To do this first thing in the morning (before brushing) you spit in a glass of water and check is in ten to fifteen minutes. If it floats on top you have normal yeast, if it drops spidery legs you have mild yeast problems and if it all drops to the bottom you have an excessive yeast problem (which I used to have). I have so much more energy over all and I find my body is good at telling me when I am lacking in calories or have too little protein. I know I’m getting better because I love the taste of regular old healthy foods again, like tuna fish and eggs (but not together). Oh and I love, love, love popcorn again. I’ve been eating lots of fruits and veggies too and ALWAYS eating breakfast. I was even able to eat out a couple of times and still keep healthy. Last night Jackie, Loryn and I took on of my clients from work out to Applebee’s. I ordered off of the Weight Watchers menu, it was so good and just the right size for me. 4oz steak (lean sirloin cut) with mushrooms and about 1/4c brown sauce, 1c steamed broccoli with garlic, and about 1/2c steamed new potatoes. YUM! I’m still getting plenty of water; I take my hot pink 40oz water jug everywhere I go. Two to three times a day I have hot herbal tea, usually Licorice Spice by Stash teas. I love it because it leaves a slight sweetness on the back of the tongue, so it’s almost like a treat. Now that I have a nice base going I’m going to start coming up with some fun new food ideas. I also make a point of talking everyone about what I am doing with this and how I am feeling, it helps a lot. I hung out with Kelly again on Sunday, it was lots of fun. I got two new books at Barnes and Noble last night. I found a copy of the Iliad by Homer for $1 and I loved the Odyssey when we studied it my freshman year so I thought I would really enjoy this too and for a buck you can’t go wrong. I also bought Vampire Hunter D, I’ve loved the movie for years and found out that is actually based on the first book in a series by Hideyuki Kikuchi, who was inspired by 1958’s Horror of Dracula. Next I will have an entry of Daughter’s Worth, and to clear this up it is a piece written by me, an ongoing work to help me with the father issues I have. 1/20/08 Hey all sorry it’s been a couple of days. I’m doing really well!!! First WI #2 256.4lbs, that’s another 2lbs and 6.4 to make my next goal. Plus I have been sleeping great; I’ll allow myself 8hrs, but wake up after 5-7 a sure sign that I’m feeling good. After my last journal my cousin pointed me to caloriecounter.about.com Thought I have seen some unhealthy obsessions with people whom have or are recovering from EDs, I just shy away from them. I have already met some really nice people and hope so create a good solid support system. I’ve been bringing my Walk Away the Pounds 30min/2mile workout tape. I was going to type in my food logs, but my neck hurts; besides I have them on calorie counter. If you really really want to know ask me! That’s about it for now. Hung with Kelly last night (it had been a while) and then I went to Equal Grounds with Katie and Ken tonight. It was great to hang with them. Well I’m going to sign off for now. C
12/6/2007 As I sit down to begin this written journey my mind races. It has been the better part of ten years since I have had any direct contact with my father, nine to be precise. Since my paternal grandmother passed a way seven years ago I have lived in what feels to me like my own Cold War. I digress, there are few pleasant memories that come to mind when I think of my father, but truthfully there are few memories of him period. We lived with him until I was almost six years old and there are few still of him then; a black recliner, touring housing developments and visiting grandparents. I remember the brand new swing set I got when I was three or four years old. It was shiny and new and I ran to it excitedly. There was a horse in place of a sea saw and I loved the horse most of all. It was my mother and Pat (my father’s best friend) that put it together. Even memories like throwing the baseball around the diamond down the block are tainted, because yet again it was a stand in. 12/9/2007 I sit at my favorite coffee shop with two friends and wonder if this journey is nor some sort of rash mistake. The answer would lie in the works motive. The primary motive is of a cathartic nature; I’ve never put these thoughts down before for others to read rarely talked about them and even more still just came to some realizations that are new unto myself. I have made a recent decision, no more “I should go” or “In the next couple of years…” If a can manage to scrounge up the money for Vegas, GA should be easy. Yes I will be missing my friends’ renewal vows, but they plan to do them every four years at any rate. A few months ago my mother’s boyfriend hadn’t seen me in a couple of days and he greeted my by putting his arm around my shoulder, kissing the top of my head and asking how I was doing. If my heart could have spoken it would have said “Awe, I’ve never had this.” 12/10/2007 A few days ago I was watching Oprah and she had fitness guru Bob Green on. He said something, that though I have always known this in my brain, struck a real cord in my heart. He said that emotional eaters eat to fill some void in their lives. Maybe it was the use of the word void, but that moment I realized my father was my void. It’s late and I’m falling asleep. 1/16/2008 A lot of terrible things happened to me between the ages of nine and twelve. My paternal grand father passed, the choice to say good bye taken out of our hands by my father. My best friend died just before our tenth birthdays. I was molested by the babysitter’s son. The finally blow being our last visit we ever had with our father, the Christmas when I had just turned twelve. I had always attributed my excessive weight gain to the entire emotion trauma and though it didn’t help, I now believe that once instance was the key factor. When I entered the sixth grade I was a women’s size three (by today’s standards a 0) and when I exited the seventh grade I was a women’s fourteen (by today’s standards a twelve), the excess of this gain being from twelve to thirteen. I had always thought it was a defense mechanism against boys, and thought that might be part, I think every time a started feeling unloved I stuffed my face. When we went down for Christmas we were supposed to stay for two weeks. The visit was so horrid we stayed two days, after I called my mother hysterical they were made to surrender us to the sheriff’s. For years my mother tried to get us down there to visit and to get them to visit us, but to no avail.
1/13/2008 About a week ago I awoke, as if a switch had gone off in my head, “I am going to be healthy.” I’m not fallowing any plan like I have in the past, I’m just taking the best of what I know from many sources and use it. My first weigh in (WI) was today, I lost 6.4lbs. I have also been brushing and flossing regularly, drinking lots of water and herbal tea, and taking vitamins. I need to get out of Rochester! Few steps I need to take first. #1 getting a car, #2 save some money up and #3 decide where to go. 1/16/2008 The feeling of wanting to leave Rochester was clarified on Friday. I was shopping @ Wal-Mart for work, when I noticed a girl that was taking the same route as me. She was a little taller than me and about my size, kind of plain. I was nearing the end of my shopping when her boyfriend joined her and they were talking about fish and chips. Then I did a double take, it was Jason, my Jase! I didn’t recognize him because he’s gotten cubby. It was like a knife piercing my heart. “That should be me!” I wanted to cry out. I kept my head down and got my last two items. I was fighting desperately not to cry and wanted to get the hell out of there. While loading the van they passed me again and again I kept my head down. Part of me felt like I had to get out of Rochester, the sooner the better. Now, however I have had a couple of really good days and the chance to calm down a bit. I’m now feeling better than ever and I realize that now would not be the best time for me to leave town anyway. I have two or three impending trips (Cali, GA and Missouri). Then there is the birth of Lisa’s baby and my niece/nephew’s birth, which makes me want to stay a year or two. All of that aside I have a few other things that I need to suss out before a can leave town. – $, I have a lot of finances that I need to get in control of – Car, a car means a second and/or better job – Continued health On the subject of health I’m going to take a page from Ami’s book and set small 10lbs goals for myself, with a little non-food treat at each. – Start Weight (1/6) 264.8lbs – WI #1 (1/13) 258.4lbs (-6.4) Goal #1 – 250lbs Treat – Highlights I’m also going to start tracking my intake. The times will be weird at first because I’ll be working some overnight, so I will post them as hour and minute. Hour 0: (upon waking) Hot tea (plain) 1c Corn flakes 1c plain rice milk ½ medium apple diced 2Tbs shredded parsnip Hour 1: Thirty minutes cardio, stretching and isolations. Hour 2: 2 eggs (1 yolk only) ½ oz. shredded goat cheese ½ TBS fat free bacon bits Season to taste 1c field greens ½ medium apple Hour 3: 1.5hrs writing, including excerpts from “Daughters Worth” I have decided to start typing “A Daughters Worth”, in my journaling ventures. It is part of my life journey, as well as my weight loss journey. I have also decided if I am going to watch TV to make a concerted effort to be in motion or engaged in some kind of activity. Hello, As some of you may or may not know my mother and I started an annual pot-luck two years ago. This year our third annual Turkey Pot-Luck will be in Friday November 23rd it will start around three and be an all evening afair, games, food and fun.
Hello, As some of you may or may not know my mother and I started an annual pot-luck two years ago. This year our third annual Turkey Pot-Luck will be in Friday November 23rd it will start around three and be an all evening afair, games, food and fun.
So here I sit, working an overnight and I'm sick!!! Can I go home in the AM? NO!!!!!! I have a meeting. At least the house is cleaned and all i have to worry about is my room. Which is only a mad mess cuz my mom's super sweet honey fixed my entertainment center, so now I have to transfer all my shit from the book shelves to it and take them apart (I want to mount them to the walls as floating shelveing) and then figure out where my furniture will be going. I got Charlie (my dwarf-rex rabbit) back, he is doing very well. And I have two baby dwarf hampsters, Angel (chubbier) and Spike (slightly darker streak on his back), they're so cute and friendly. Mom and I are getting a kitten soon too. We miss Dimples sooooo much, however Sheeba is much friendlier with our her around. Vermont was great, went shopping with Amanda and Becky, I did miss out on Beensie's fries :( My uncle Al gave me 2 packs of Blacks, I'm still working on the second. It's sad to see Aunt Peanut (my 90+ great aunt) loosing her memory. And my mom's cousin Charlie asked my about my pride braclet, I explained I wear it in support of gay youth, I didn't out and out talk about my sexuality, but just that he was curious and supportive was enough. Oh on the way up to Vermont mom and I stopped @ her best friend's house, I got to re-connect with my lil' sis Des. She's the closest to a sister I have ever had, we really caught up and bonded again, that was nice. On to work ::sigh:: So things here are good and bad, the asst. manager is now the acting manager and he's been pretty kewl now that he's realized some ppl just lie. I also know I can't trust anybody here. They too my car and I'm glad, I'm about to start searching for a beater (now that next mo I have 5 pay periods) then I will put in for assistant manager and tretment coordinator positions all over. I went to two Image Out movies (Image Out is a local film festival featureing LGBT movies) The first movie was XXX Selects, which was a documentary on the exploitation of lesibians in the porn industry, the dubing was quite ammusing and after that the showed Good Dyke Porn, which was uber hot to me, but I like porn. Last week we saw the last movie in the festival Curiosity of Chance, which was pretty good, it was a gay version of Pretty in Pink only an 80's genra film, as filmmed by a contemporary director. Quite amusing. And tonight mom got tickets to see Highs School Musical (the play) really cheap, so I went with her, Boris and his girls Brianna and Tori. It was pretty good actully. Then I had to rus to work. Love life... is dead! I feel dead inside. I don't know if I will ever be over my ex. I want to be, I want to move on and make a family with someone whom has similar values to me. |
